A Family's Journey Through the Loss of A Child
Written the morning of Benjamin's wake
My dearest Benjamin:
It seems fitting that I write this letter to you on this page of your baby book that was torn accidentally only a few weeks ago, for it was a foreshadow of how your life would be torn and taken from us.
I sit here in our bedroom under the soft light of the Christmas candle that allowed me to see your beautiful, beautiful, face every time we snuggled together through the dark and quite moments of so many nights we shared together. Though I feel so alone, I am not. Your Daddy's sweet sleeping breaths break the silence of the night as they did every night you and I embraced each other and…My Jesus, our Jesus, is here also.
Oh Benjamin! The night Jesus asked us to give you back to Him, you know, I'm sure, was so deeply agonizing for me. There was no sleep that night for I was still "in our van." Every time I closed my eyes I was back in that van reliving every horrible sight and sound that took place in so short a time and the haunting images of our tragedy burst away the peace of our once quiet sanctuary.
The nine months you took shelter in my womb seemed so hard to bear this time. But when I saw your precious face, caressed your soft and tender skin, and gave you the nourishment you so needed from my own body, I knew every unbearable moment waiting for you was worth it.
To let you go now, so soon and so unexpectedly was unfathomable! I wondered that night if I would ever taste of sound sleep again. Would I ever be able to, "get out of that van" and accept the gift of continued life God gave to me, your brother and sister, and the rest of our family?
As every one does when facing a loss so deep as this, I spent the day after our parting going through the motions of grieving, but the numbness that was still a hold of me would not let go. And even though God's people shined forth that day heaping blessing upon blessing onto our family, shouting God's love to us as though standing on a mountain top, every time I closed my eyes I was back in our van again, alone with you my precious, Benjamin, and your tiny broken body.
The night hours came again my dear Benjamin, but then miracle happened! God's Holy Word and the spoken words of council and wisdom from some of his most loyal servants helped in bringing about an answer to prayer for me, a prayer that so many of His children had been praying. For this time, on this second night I would have to be without you, when I closed my eyes and found myself back, "in our van again" the ugliness of this tragic event changed somehow as I envisioned it through the eyes of our all loving Father in Heaven. This time you and I were not alone, for Jesus,… our sweet Jesus, was with us. And when I took your dear little hands and held them in mine and told you, "It's O.K. Benjamin, go to Jesus now," Jesus was right there, kneeling beside us. He took his hand off my shoulder and took you into His loving arms and told me, "I have him. It's O.K. now, Pam, I have him!"
After knowing that this was what really happened that day and that my Blessed Savior has you now, and you are in the safest arms you could ever be in, my sweet Benjamin, I was able to "leave our van." God's peace at that moment lifted me and filled my heart, mind, and soul, with that, "Peace that passes all understanding," that only God can give. I'm sure you know my dear son, because you were there with Jesus when He gave this peace to me asking if Jesus could let me know that you are O.K
Daddy, your brothers and sisters, and I know we must go on now, dear, Benjamin. There is work here our dear Savior still has for us. Please know the overwhelming love and joy you brought to us all was sweeter than anyone could ever taste of on this earth. And though you were only here with us for seven weeks, you who were our seventh child, have changed our lives forever!
You will not be forgotten my son! Your memory will live on. You fulfilled your purpose here on this earth mightily, with the wonderment of God's Spirit in you. I know that God will bring glory to His Kingdom through your brief but precious existence in this world.
Daddy and I thank you, Benjamin. Always remember the words I whispered to you so often; "You are a love, and God made you so good!"
We love you precious Benjamin! We long for the day we will hold your hands again, with your new body that will never be broken again,…and with Jesus, sweet Jesus, standing there with us. Oh how we long for that day!
Farewell, for now, dear Benjamin. We will see you soon.
My love forever,
Mom
Written the day of Ben's wake
Ben,
Your life here on earth has drawn to a close, oh so quickly. I love you, your mom loves you, and your brothers and sisters love you greatly. We will miss you greatly.
The seven weeks you were with us were wonderful! We look forward to the day we will be together again in the presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ! You were such a blessing from God. I can't begin to express the love we have for you!!
Thank you for the special moments you gave. We will catch up to you in Heaven as God has ordained each of our times! I know you will be there to greet us!
See you soon,
Dad